These Legs Were Made for Talkin’

A weblog by Tony Bumpter

More Newerer Eyes Than Thou

In what follows, please know that I am in no way speaking for any of the organizations I represent, lead, and influence. Any confusion that results is entirely the fault of the reader that can’t make the same spurious connections and divisions that I can, and I heartily encourage you to repent of misunderstanding my word salads (Gal. 32:18).

Regeneration is Greek for “who’s your daddy?”

I once read Jimmy Johnson’s paper about regeneration that never mentioned that men shouldn’t wear high heels and miniskirts. As my boss pointed out, this literally strips away every theological and philosophical objection Christians can make to transgenderism. As a result I’ve stopped going to Bible Horizon and City of Gawd conferences because they’re basically just drag-queen story hours. If you can’t see this, you’re part of the problem.

Liturgy is super duper gay

I also used to minister at a church that slavishly followed Joffre Myerson’s book about liturgy, which quickly turned the whole congregation into animal-blessing Episcopalians and naturally led to predictable lapses in personal holiness. For example, there were a bunch of effeminate men whose effeminacy was demonstrated in how they stood up to me, pushed back on dumb things I’d published, and greeted me during the super-icky passing of the peace. See how they were just hiding behind all the vestments and incense? If you can’t see it, you’re more blinderer than I thought.

Books are for throwing, not reading

And then I read a book review that came out before the book was released of Paulie Twinkleheart’s confusingly titled The Beginning of the End or something like that. And after I read the same guy’s brief article on Al Jazeera, it confirmed all of the worst things that the book itself may or may not have been saying. I mean, just, wow, you know? The stuff he said! I can’t believe some of this stuff, man. Worst of all, he blurbed a book I don’t like, which proves he stands for all the things the friends of the blurbed book’s author stands for. He clearly approves of sodomy. Don’t see it? You need some Lasik surgery.

I say “jump”, you say “how high?”

To prove that everyone I’ve mentioned has cancer and needs chemotherapy, I’ve written multiple demands that they say stuff I approve of. But it’s been months since I’ve heard back from them. For example, the Myerson guy convened a panel to investigate something I don’t like and totally stacked the committee until the ensuing report all but demanded that conservative Presbyterian churches be pastored by celibate lesbian Catholics. If you can’t see the perfect logical connection between those two sentences, your eyes are blinder than an eyeless bat-mole’s.

You probably got cancer from me

In conclusion, while under the influence of the Bible Horizon/City of Gawd crowd, I may have written some stuff that will compel all of its readers to start celibately cohabiting with transgender livestock. I have no specific things in mind, but just know that there’s something in the air, a number of related problems and weaknesses all in a cluster, and faithful men should take notice lest they start liking butt stuff.

So, consider yourselves warned. In case you don’t feel warned enough, I have asked the publishers to put one of those California Prop 65 warnings on all my books except for the ones I’m advertising at the top of this Internet website. If you truly have eyes to see, you will see that there’s a “Buy Now” button next to the video of the new Crotch Politics episode.

That ol’ rugged cross

Lastly, I would like to heartily apologize to the influential men I’ve been cozying up to: truly, I once held views I can’t bring myself to articulate that give you the fantods and the vapors, and for that I do humbly repent.

To those who find this post divisive: nuh-uh—you’re the divisive one. To those who’d make fun of it, remember that the Corrugated Edge™ is strictly reserved for me and Don Filson. Anyone else who tries this is Bitter™.

For the rest of my readers: I know how hard it is to divide the Kingdom of God into various allegiances and hop about them like lilypads, but I want you to know that doing so is like taking up your cross. And for those in my denomination who don’t want to take up their crosses, well, there’s a whole lot more where this came from.

“My point is before a guilty verdict would get executed on that $&#%#@, three men would walk in that meat locker where he's being held with bags over their heads and cut his $&#%#@ throat. Within half an hour that Celestial's little pigs will be on their backs with their hooves in the air belching up human remains... I had a vision it would happen, my second of the day. First come when I was watching you and them lawyers on line this morning. They began to slither in my sight like vipers. So as not to puke I had to close my eyes. The vision went on. Got worse. I saw the vipers in the big nest in Washington. They were taking us in the camp for acting like we could set our own laws up or organizations. And then I saw the big viper decide to strangle and swallow us up and every $&#%#@ thing we gain here. It was horrible. How could we $&#%#@ avoid it? How could we let the vipers in the big nest know that we didn't wanna cause any $&#%#@ trouble?” -Al Swearengen, Deadwood